The (not so) Perfect Storm

by Darlene on 04/06/11

Argh...

I just spent 1 1/2 hours writing out a blog and somehow managed to delete the whole thing.

Life on the farm I guess, or better yet, life in general.

Suffice it to say, I'm coming out of an incredible whirlwind.  From taking pigs to market, to trying to pick up 2 Kangal puppies imported from Turkey, to massive storms that spawned many tornados, to being without power for 2 days.

Through it all, I found myself telling the Lord that I was done with this roller coaster ride.  I was going to get off and stop because I'm weary from the highs and lows that have been pummeling my life.  I know I'm not the only one because I hear people sharing the same, but everytime I say "that's it! I'm not going to participate any longer", I find myself propelled into new circumstances where I have no choice but to fasten my seatbelt and trust Him.

I'm not in control as much as I want to think I am.  I find myself looking back on the past when the days were far more spoiled and the demands were far less taxing.  Intuitively in my heart I know that those days are gone...not just for me, but for all of us.  A 'new normal' per se has decended and there's not much that can be done about it.

We just got finished with dealing with 2 days without power.  I've gone 6 weeks without power after Hurricane Andrew and after all the years I lived in Miami this is an area I know well.  But living in the suburbs and dealing with no power vs. living in the mountains on a farm with a slew of animals that are dependent on you with no power are two completely different beasts.

I marvel at how quickly my mind can think of Plan X's, Y's and Z's...worst case scenarios that has us hauling water from the pond and the mountain spring that feeds the house to keep the animals and ourselves hydrated.  Knowing it's going to take more than we have to give but also knowing that what must be done, must be done.  As the roller coaster cart decends down the tracks after peaking at the high point on the rails, one can't help but be filled with dread.  That survival instinct kicks in but it wars with the heart that is beyond weary.

And then, He begins to move, meeting our needs in a variety of ways through a variety of people...some family, some recently made friends in neighbors.  The roller coaster cart is still speeding down the slope, the scenery flys quickly past and the best one can do is make that decision to hang on and trust.

I found my overwhelmed heart wanting to break down in tears yesterday.  I knew there was no time for tears, we were having to deal with one major obstacle after another that kept trying to steal away hope.  There would be time for tears later, so I'd look up into the sky with a heart that was filled with much that can't be put into words, knowing the heavenlies are out there.  He answered by filling me with His peace, which after all these years can still cause me to feel surprised.

As His hand began to move in the circumstances we were facing while the storm raged in utter anger, I found my heart feeling a level of gratitude that is also not definable with just words.  I want to be independent and not need the help of others...I much prefer to help others instead.  Being helped is humbling...at least to me it is.  I guess He's doing some work there too.

By the end of the day, when everything that had earlier seemed an impossibility was finished, I couldn't help but think over and over again...

He really is in control and He really does meet the needs.

I don't know how I've made it through the past few days but then I remember I didn't do it alone.  There's no way any of us could make it on our own, no matter how independent we may be.  He will be faithful to orchestrate the impossible and remind me once again...

He alone is God.

Yanno...this is a completely different blog than I originally wrote but I guess I needed to filter through the layers of "stuff" to the heart of the matter that lies within.