A Clone

The only reason I would ever want to clone myself would not be because I think I'm so wonderful and the world needs more of me :).  I would contemplate cloning myself only to have an extra pair of hands to help with all we've had going on around here.  As I ponder a clone of me, my first thought is how wonderful the conversations would be!  I wouldn't have to try to succinctly put into words some of the deep thoughts that rumble around in my head.  I wouldn't have to bite my tongue and worry that I would be misunderstood because I would totally understand myself!  I wouldn't have to finish my sentences because my clone would intuitively know what I was going to say.  I wouldn't have to worry about stuffing my reactions because my clone would totally understand.

Nah.  Bad idea.  Very bad idea. :)

To say that the past few months have been overwhelming, is putting it mildly.  I know I'm not alone because so many that I talk to have somehow found they purchased the same ticket on the same boat.  Life seems to go faster than one can keep up with and the 'to do list' gets longer and longer and longer.  Tis the season however, with gardens going in, bees have come alive and the weather has finally warmed up enough so that working outside is a pleasure.

I've been touched by the people who have contacted me on occasion, asking when I was going to blog again.  It started out quite a while ago, where I suddenly found myself feeling very quiet, not able to write anything that was worth publishing and not able to put myself in that vulnerable place (at least it feels vulnerable to me) where I share from the heart the things I experience...the thoughts I have, the little things that have meaning to me.  At first I looked at the quiet as a nice break from having to write.  Over time, I began to ponder why I wasn't able to blog and as that time wore on I began to feel as if God had settled this quietness over me for reasons He felt were needed.  Sometimes when we're too busy talking, we can't hear.  Sometimes when He speaks to our hearts, His voice is very soft so it's critical that we're quiet enough to be able to listen.

I finally gave in and quit feeling guilty that I hadn't been writing.  I accepted that His hand was in it and scooted over from the driver's seat into the passenger's side.  I can't say that I had any epiphanies once I moved over but I can say that I became more aware of a work He was doing (and had been wanting to do) deeper in my heart.  I had no idea where we were going and I had no understanding as to why it was necessary.  I began to learn how to take my eyes off "the road" and lift them up towards Him.

I don't know how this blog post got going in this direction.  I started it, wanting to share about how crazy busy it's been around here.  I wanted to share about how even when I wanted to work on the site again and blog some more, I was unable to download the program to my computer which prohibited me from being able to do anything on the site.  I wanted to share about so many things and here I find myself re-routed, talking about me and Him.

I guess I can share about those moments when I've felt in my heart, "I can't do this myself anymore", that have been answered by Him, "of course you can't, but *I* can".  I can tell you how I stood on the edge of that cliff and in response to Him, took my foot and stepped off into what our minds would think was oblivion, only to find myself caught, and carried, through that particular day.

I could share about the millions of impossibilities that would want to cause distress to fill my heart and how He would somehow lift my chin so that my eyes would look heaven-ward as I would hear in my heart, "keep your eyes on Me".  I could share about being broadsided with good things and bad...about being taken completely by surprise as He opened doors I never dreamed were there.  I could share about how each tear drop I shed had names, like fear, hopelessness, dread, unknown, etc...and how His answer was always the same...

Peace.  Holy, powerful, consuming peace.

This past year has been an incredibly life changing year.  I entered the empty nest syndrome which is a book in itself and went from being responsible for taking care of so many, to becoming incredibly dependent on Him.

Now that I've got the site problem fixed and now that I'm entering into my busiest time of year (spring and summer), it just might be His time for me to take a few moments from time to time, and share the steps I take with Him.  I will say that it kind of feels good to write this blog. :)

I won't mention how I hope it makes sense even though I totally changed direction mid through.